A Satirical Op-Ed By Luke Langlois

Hello to my fellow licensed drivers. Today, I am here to present an idea: the speed limits should be just a recommendation. We should all drive faster. There are so many reasons to leave the slow-driving hooligans in the dust.

Most cars literally encourage driving faster: Why is it so easy to drive faster? Well, it’s because you should drive faster! Driving slowly requires effort. It requires control. Honestly, who doesn’t want to just stretch out and floor it? To add onto this, why would a speedometer have speeds over 100 on them if you are not supposed to go over 100? When I’m cruising down Da Vall drive in my Lamborghini, I make it my goal to hit 160 before I get to school.

You use more fuel: Look, the world is running out of gas. By driving faster, you burn more fuel. By burning more fuel, you accelerate the rate at which we run out of fuel. If the Earth runs out of fuel, we would be forced to move to renewable energy! By moving to renewable energy, all of the world’s problems will be solved, no questions asked. Also, by burning more fuel, you have to spend more money. Spending money helps the American economy. Woo!

You save time: When I was a slow driver, I arrived slightly later to school. I was always in a rush. I found myself missing the five seconds that I could have had if I had just driven faster. I could open my locker with those 5 seconds! That time builds up, and we all know time is our most valuable resource. In a week, driving faster could save you a few minutes. Awesome!

You get more run-ins with the police: Who doesn’t love police officers? By driving faster, the police will happily spend more time with you due to your service to our community via economic contribution and a vastly efficient lifestyle.

You get to agitate the people in front of you: Under the shade of anonymity, annoying others is fun! By driving faster, you get the opportunity to ride the bumper of drivers in front of you. Who doesn’t love free rides?

So, that’s what I’ve got for today. Trust me, the list goes on. There are an endless amount of benefits to driving faster. I strongly encourage all of my readers to add at least an extra 50 mph to their average driving speed.

*Do note the element of satire and irony in the piece. The Blog advocates safe driving and good health.

Editor: AJ Patencio