By Senior Blogger Peter Kadel

Emergency survival–Yesterday we participated in the Great California Shakeout, intended to prepare the people of California for the looming doomsday-level earthquake that is sure to destroy modern society. In the spirit of emergency preparedness, I have carefully constructed this comprehensive guide to counsel you in the correct conduct in the face of catastrophe. I will draw on my own vast experience as an avid outdoorsman.

 

Earthquakes–The main thing to remember in this situation is that a negative plus a negative equals a positive; using this proven mathematical formula, it can be inferred that if you start shaking yourself the kinetic energy will cancel out the effects of the tremor in your immediate area. This effect is amplified if you have a middle-school student with you. Simply shake the middle schooler as well as yourself to increase the range of stillness, allowing you to limit the damage caused. If this fails, then run as fast as you can to escape the tremors.

 

Flooding–Drink Water.

 

Sand Storms (Haboob)–The biggest risk posed by severe swirling sandstorms suddenly sliding across the desert is the decreased visibility. Deal with this by taping binoculars to your face so you can see further through the flying dust. The second biggest risk is damage to your clothes, and you wouldn’t want that, so if you can’t find shelter during a sandstorm, you should remove your clothes, soak them in water (so they stay fresh), then quickly bury them so they stay clean. There is no need to worry about bodily harm from the sand. Humans have lived in desert climates for many years, so that means they must be adapted to the conditions found in the desert or else they wouldn’t live there. After all, it would be madness to live somewhere where you have no chance of surviving without modern technology.

 

Drought–Drink water.

 

Tornado–The calm is found in the eye of the storm; this is true for tornados as well. So in order to survive a tornado, the first thing you should do is run or drive as fast as possible towards the tornado. If you do it right, you will reach the oasis-like eye of the storm. Once you are there, spin in the opposite direction to stop the storm.

 

Lightning–Stand in water.

 

Zombie Attack–If you believe that this post will actually help you survive, then the zombies won’t chase you because you are already brainless. If you aren’t brainless, just keep a brainless person with you (a Morty) to drown out your brainwaves so the zombies won’t find you. Pete says, “A good place to find a brainless person would be State or National Congress.”

Editor: Makena Behnke

*Note: This is satire. Please, do not stand in water during lightning, etc. Results may vary. Please consult your doctor before adhering to advice found in “Pete’s Declassified.” Note: the words of Pete Declassified do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Blog @ thebirdonfire.org.