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Luke’s Guide to Becoming The Nightmare. . . of Monopoly

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By Luke Langlois

Dreams are (usually) pleasant experiences. As long as you get enough sleep, you will eventually float away into a new reality where life has a tinge of ethereal magic. One of my dreams has always been to become a world-renowned Monopoly champion, and the key to being a champion, of course, is CRUSHING YOUR OPPONENTS. Some people may think Monopoly is just luck, but only non-Monopoly champions subscribe to this philosophy. Have you ever heard someone win a Monopoly game and then attribute it to luck? I bet you haven’t because winning Monopoly is a display of the purest form of skill. Here is a brief guide on becoming a self-proclaimed “Nightmare of Monopoly.”

  • The House does not always win. In Monopoly, you should never choose to become the banker. When scheming masterminds are formulating their ultimate plan, do you think they are busy worrying about someone else’s business? Playing the role of the banker distracts a player from their craft and may result in a loss of focus. The temptation may be there to refute my tip by saying you can “steal” money from the bank, but world champions do not cheat (looking at you, Astros). 
  • Buy EVERY property you land on. In real life, most people would tell you that it is wise to save money and manage finances intelligently. In essence, you wouldn’t want to spend all of your money on the first thing that comes to mind. However, in Monopoly, owning more properties always has some sort of benefit. Even if you’re not trying to make a monopoly with a certain property color, owning even one property of a color can restrict your opponents from achieving a monopoly of their own, which could make it a useful trading piece down the line. Remember, you can always collect the mortgage on your owned properties if you are running low on dough. 
  • Don’t put too much weight into the utilities, but don’t overlook them either. The Electric Company and Water Works are not going to earn you much money, nor can you create a monopoly with them, but other people don’t know that. Again, buy these properties and use them to your advantage for a trade down the line if someone puts more value in a utility property than they should.
  • How was the west won? Railroads. While the utility properties aren’t great, the railroad properties can be game-changing. If one person owns all four railroads, landing on any of the four railroads will yield the owner $200. Any competent Monopoly player is not going to let you control all four properties, so the best that you can do is make sure that you own at least one to block someone from owning all four. If it comes down to it, you may even consider trading someone the “fourth” railroad for a hefty price. 
  • The orange properties are statistically the best properties that you can own. I’m not going to dive into the numbers, but the “chance” cards often put you one roll away from an orange property, so players often find themselves paying up to the king of the oranges. Also, the orange properties are a $1,500 investment for a max rent of $1,000, while the green properties are a $3,000 investment for a max rent of $1,200. 
  • Houses, houses, houses! Have you looked at the prices of San Francisco housing recently? When you establish a monopoly, you want to get the third house down as soon as possible (because the rent increases greatly from the second to the third house). Houses are going to inflict serious pain on your opponents, but don’t buy hotels! Hotels are a hefty investment for a relatively inconsequential increase in rent. Additionally, it is an official Monopoly rule that if the bag runs out of physical houses for players to place on the board, NO MORE houses can be built.
  • Later in the game, when most properties are owned and maybe even have houses on them, don’t rush to get out of jail. Jail is a cozy place where you can spend three turns NOT giving money to your opponents. While you’re in jail, your opponents will be jumping around the map and bleeding money.  
  • You have to be kind. Look, I love bullying my younger sibling as much as the next guy, but the odds are against you if nobody wants to work or trade with you. If you laugh in someone’s face when they land on your property, they will do everything they can to make sure you don’t win, even if they have no chance of winning the game themselves. Eventually, with your newly found Monopoly genius, people are not going to want to play with you anyways.  

I hope that this has been a supremely educational experience for you all. Now, I wish for you to all go off into the world and ruin family gatherings with your Monopoly skill. Remember, the United States of America is a nation of capitalists, and capitalists are born from Monopoly. So, whether you become a worldwide Monopoly champion, or the next CEO of Apple, learning the intricacies is the best place to begin. 

Dreamer Editor: Doreen Yuan