*Ms. Zachik talked about Irony today in English class. This is totally true.

By Brennan Nick

It has become apparent that due to new evidence of the populations of a certain furry rodent, the national security of the United States and its northern neighbor, Canada, are now under an unprecedented threat. With the advent of satellite pictures and increased scientific research of the Canadian north, we have found that gophers are congregating and building up their numbers in an advanced underground dirt complex located in northeastern Alberta. Why are they doing this? Let’s take a closer look. American explorer, Rob Mark, was the first person ever to visit “it,” and what he found was frightening. When he reached the gophers’ home after a 200-mile-long trek, he saw what we’re really up against. Although only seeing one gopher, no doubt the rest were underground hiding from him trying to cover up their operations. What he did see, in his own words, was, “What… I witnessed… was… an…engineering marvel… that was… frightening.” He then used the words, “They were… angry… but…industrious…animals…and were…preparing to–….They had…helicopters!”

*Disclaimer: the previous quotes were lightly edited.

These gophers are poised to create a small, elite army in the coming years that, within the first month of their invasions, I project that they will be able to overrun everywhere from Alberta to British Columbia to Northern Wisconsin. Their army numbers in the thousands with their average soldier looking like this:

 

We can also see previous attempts of gopherite control in the United States in the 2010 Congressional Election when a candidate for Montana’s At-Large District, Melinda Gopher, tried to take control of the state during the election. The important thing to note here is that she is named GOPHER and that she is a supposed native from the northwest of the state, directly bordering Alberta, Canada. Is this a coincidence? I think not!

Furthermore, this is not a joke, this is not some fringe idea, this is not some tin foil hat, snake oil, scam (I pinky promise! swearsies!). This is not something to be ignored. Advanced and extensive military action must be taken to curb the strength of this hostile gopher society. Others have reported on this as well. Other experts have had articles dedicated to Rob Mark’s discovery on DailyMail, Independent, CBC, Telegraph, and other smaller news sources. It is now the time to take action against the threat posed by the gophers to the north. Join the Gopher Defense Society today!

Editor: A.J. Patencio