The Blog Staff, united in its passion for that morning drink so many of us (especially Indy) can’t do without, celebrates coffee this week. Penny, however, voices a different opinion.

By Middle-Schooler Penny Andreas

(If you love coffee, prepare to be offended.)

From cold brew, to de-caf, to your extra tall carmel macchiato with 2 teaspoons of creamer with just a hint of sugar along with the smiley face on top, I dislike coffee. For the most part, I think coffee is gross and disgusting. 

First, what actually is coffee? If you think about it…It’s ground up beans that are served hot. Some people even add flavors like “pumpkin spice,” along with cream. I don’t know about you, but beans with creamy chemical flavoring are disgusting.  Also, What is the smell? To me it absolutely smells like burning rubber, or dry desert dirt. Both are gross. 

Second, the taste is the most revolting, sickening, repulsive, icky, gut-churning, and monstrous thing I have ever tasted in my entire life. It tastes extremely bitter, even with (I promise) two cups of creamer. I swear every type tastes like the specific definition of dust and dirt. No matter how many types of coffee I have tried, I find almost no difference except the fact that some are spicy…which has been somewhat concerning to me. 

Third, there are actually hazardous things when it comes to drinking the beans! Consuming and drinking too much coffee can lead to nervousness, addiction, frequent urination, or not being able to control urinating. Is coffee worth the risk of peeing your pants in public? I didn’t think so. However, there are some health benefits that coffee can give you, but that’s only if you don’t put a quart of creamer and a cup of sugar in your coffee. It can help you prevent cancers, heart diseases, and depression (hsph.harvard.edu). But note, once addicted to coffee, your body has an extremely hard time working and functioning without caffeine’s help. This can make you constipated–or the complete opposite. This is often caused because the caffeine in coffee affects the muscles in the digestive system. 

So, as you can see, there are many things that happen to you internally when you drink the beans, from constipation, the loss of ability to control urination, and the gagging from the horrid taste. So…drink coffee or pee your pants in public? I wonder what you will choose….

*Affogato is an Italian coffee-based dessert.