the bird on fire

The Bird is the Word: Sophisticated Schoolyard Shenanigans

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A Guide to Gift Giving

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By Peter Kadel

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! The holiday season is here, and if you’re not a crazy person living in the desert then winter is in full swing, which means it’s the time to celebrate the things that really matter like religious holidays, the appropriation of religious holidays, commercialization of religious holidays, and arguments over coffee cups that support religious holidays. But, it’s important to remember not to use any religion-specific greetings because winter isn’t about religion. Winter is about buying stuff for people and telling them weeks in advance (as in “Oh, I bought you a Christmas gift”) to guilt them into getting you something. Winter is about just letting yourself go into hibernation, emerging only to have awkward encounters with your extended family. Winter is about forgetting all of your healthy life choices and subsequently collapsing into a pit of guilt, cookie crumbs, and despair–once swimsuit season hits. However, the most important part of the winter holiday is gift giving, or more accurately, gift receiving. But as the old adage goes, “Nothing in life is free.” So, you’ll have to give gifts so people feel obligated to give you gifts. Luckily, there are several holidays in the coming days for you to use as an excuse to give gifts.

Hanukkah is the longest and is relatively well known, but it ended yesterday, so there isn’t any time to get your gift and then receive a gift from the recipient, and so your best bet is to just convert to Christianity and participate in Christmas because most of us don’t know when Kwanzaa is (unless you read Harlow Berny’s post last week) or what it’s about. After your baptism, it’s time to go buy gifts for your unsuspecting “friends.” In this process, it is important to remember that the purpose of giving these gifts is to encourage your “friends” to give you gifts, so you need to find a balance between cheap and meaningful. Some examples of cheap and meaningful gifts are decorative shot glasses, stickers from other countries, fancy paper, and potatoes–because everyone loves potatoes. If you want to improve your chances of getting a good gift instead of a potato, –because who wants a lousy potato?–you should make sure the gifts have some kind of personal connection to the intended recipients. For example, if your “friend” likes the color red, give them a jar of blood, and if you want to make the gift really personal, make sure it’s their blood-type! If none of these examples are effective in guilting your “friends” into giving you stuff this holiday season, then you should recognize that you are in a “friendship” founded on manipulation and deceit, and you should end the “friendship” immediately.

 

Editor: AJ Patencio

Lost Dreams in the River

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By Shelby Armor

 

A river,

so majestic,

so beautiful,

home to so many things

and I cannot be one with it.

My dreams are filled with the illusions

of fins on my arms

and of flippers on my feet;

it all seems so close

yet so far away.

I could sit for hours and sway,

sway to the melodic sound of rushing water

and leaping fish,

but I cannot.

I cannot breath using water

or slice through the sea

for I am a human,

and that is all I will ever be.

 

Editor: A.J. Patencio

The End We Start From

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By Guest Blogger & Poet Jessica Denyer

 

Everyone has a beginning, middle, and end to their story.

But who says the beginning is where we start from?

The end is many times the beginning of something

much greater than the end,

something more profound,

something more knowledgeable.

Sometimes we must get to the end of what seems like

a never ending eternity to reveal the new beginning.

Sometimes the middle is a nice place to start as well.

Sometimes the middle is more understanding

when it’s time to stop and think

than when it’s time

to pray for the end.

The beginning is tricky.

The beginning is what the middle and end need to thrive.

The beginning is what makes or breaks the middle and ends philosophies;

either they flourish or they perish.

But the middle is always a great place to soul search,

and the end is always a place to reflect.

But even when there is the beginning–

there is always the end to start from.

Editor: Reneé Vazquez

10 interesting phobias

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With an interest in crime and the criminal mind, Claire (otherwise known as Officer Jenkins) uncovered scientifically documented and titled fears.

 

Below are some interesting phobias you may not know. ENJOY!–Blogger Claire Jenkins

  1. Cherophobia: the fear of fun
  2. Panphobia: the fear of EVERYTHING
  3. Nomophobia: the fear of being without mobile phone coverage
  4. Trypophobia: the fear of holes
  5. Cacophobia: the fear of ugliness
  6. Decidophobia: the fear of making decisions
  7. Eisoptrophobia: the fear of mirrors and/or seeing oneself in a mirror
  8. Heliophobia: the fear of the sun
  9. Gynophobia: the fear of women
  10. Isolophobia: the fear of solitude or of being alone

 

*Feel afflicted by #6? Want more information? Try Phobialist.com or allaboutcounseling.com.

 

Editor: Peter Kadel

Explaining Polo: What’s a chukker and other key facts

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By Claire Jenkins                  

Polo (the real kind, not the water kind) is known as the game of kings. To put it simply, polo is kind of like half hockey, half soccer, and throw in eight horses and eight players. The objective of the game is to get the ball through the goal posts, much like soccer. It is four against four in field polo, and the fields are about 300 x 160 yards, which is about the length of three football fields.

Four of the players are trying to score one way, and the other four are trying to score the other way. In field polo, after one team scores, you switch directions so that the teams are now going opposite ways. The ball for field arena is a small white ball, kind of like an oversized golf ball, but big enough to comfortably fit in your hand.

The match is divided into chukkers, each lasting seven minutes, with a break of three minutes between each one. At half time, the interval is extended to five minutes, and the crowds are invited to walk onto the field to tread in divots.

Polo has many interesting quirks, but like most other sports it has rules against fouling. There are lots of different fouls in polo, and some are severe enough to get you kicked off the field. Below are some common rules and possible fouls:

Right of Way–When the chukker is in play there is a  “line of the ball,” which is the direction in which the ball travels once the ball has been hit or thrown. When a player has established the right of way along that line, it can’t be crossed by any player if there is any risk of collision.

Crossing the Line–Any player who crosses the player who has the right of way close enough to be dangerous or cause a player to slow down, commits a foul.

Riding Off –This is the act of pushing another player and their horse out of the way using your horse and your body. It is allowed at any point in the game whether the person has the ball or not. It must not be done at a dangerous angle or varying speeds because that can cause serious injury.

Hooking mallets – A player may hook an opponent’s mallet if they are on the same side of the opponent as the ball and the mallet must be below the level of the opponent’s shoulder. Players cannot hook an opponent in front of the horse’s legs, as it would be called a foul.

 

For more information about polo rules or upcoming events, go to uspolo.org. or empirepolo.com.

Editor: Makena Behnke

A Fairy Tale Must Be Repeated At Least Once In Order To Be Comprehended

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By Shelby Armor

 

My grandmother once told me

of painted skies and

a blank sheet of paper

with nothing on it but ideas for the future

 

The paper, hidden in a shed,

buried in an Arabian desert

 

held the concepts of happiness,

the concepts of joy for all

 

This paper, where it waited to be found,

spelled out a future of good fortune and happiness

 

That’s what my grandmother had said,

but I, being the curious child I was,

challenged these ideas and yearned for more,

 

I yearned for more to that story,

I yearned to understand this fairy tale,

I yearned to be older so I could see,

 

See the top shelf,

live in a world where I would tell the fairy tales.

 

It would never come, I thought to myself

“Too long” I said to my grandmother

when she asked me how school was,

and then I blinked

 

I could see the top shelf

I had children of my own to read to every night,

but my grandmother wasn’t here to see

 

when would those days come back,

the days of exploring outside

and playing pretend with my friends?

 

But they wouldn’t come back,

I had wasted my innocent days

thinking of things beyond my years,

waiting to grow up,

and doubting fairy tales

 

Editor: Makena Behnke

Why Mountains Are Important

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By Peter Kadel, Blogger Naturalist

 

Mountains, throughout history they’ve been there. Majestic towering behemoths that inspire adventure and invoke wanderlust in the hearts and minds of people everywhere. The Greeks told stories of the famed Mount Olympus where the gods dwelt; mountaineers dream of summiting lofty peaks such as Mount Everest; the rolling hills and mild peaks in the Lake District of Great Britain have inspired many classic literary works. Mountains are deeply ingrained in our history, and I believe they can be instrumental in fostering a new appreciation and even reverence for the natural world. Mountains are more than just geological features; they are mighty titans that bellow a challenge to the world, daring us to summit them. Climbing a mountain, putting its entirety beneath you and breathing in the vistas seen from that exalted point of view, is a thrill that will instill anyone with a love of the earth and a desire to protect it. Since the beginning of time we have sought safety in valleys and looked for protection in the shadows of mountains, but now as we have become more adventurous, we seek out the challenges mountains have to offer. And this is good; it’s common sense that being outside is good for you. Exercise and fresh air are beneficial.

If we can convince people to appreciate and even enjoy the mountains in the world, then we are one step closer to preserving then for generations to come. After all, people are more likely to protect things they care about. And protecting mountains and the surrounding areas isn’t just to allow recreation; it can also keep water sources clean because many mountains deposit rainwater and melted snow into lakes and rivers below. Protecting the mountains–staving off development–will go a long way towards protecting our water sources from contamination. These benefits won’t just help us; the various critters that inhabit mountains benefit greatly from having places that aren’t full of people and factories and housing subdivisions. Giving the natural world and its denizens their own space will greatly improve the harmony between mankind and nature.

 

Editor: Makena Behnke

A Smile

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By Anonymous

 

A little glance from

You

Is all I need.

A smile of

Yours,

The force that

Pushes me

Forward.

 

Constantly

I forget

Who I am.

Hour after hour

I grow further away from

The well of myself.


Your glance,

Your smile

Reminds me

Who

I

Am.

 

Editor: A.J. Patencio

Maybe

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By Renée

Maybe one day

I’ll know just what to say…

 

Maybe one day

I’ll have the courage to speak,

and allow myself to be me,

in front of more than my dog…

 

Maybe one day

I’ll stop hiding behind the pages,

and the ink,

and I’ll have the ability to be,

a person outside of the paper…

 

Maybe one day

I’ll be able to talk to you

and have a conversation

without that contemplative silence,

when we don’t know what to say…

 

Maybe one day

I’ll know just what to say

to make your day

a little bit brighter…

 

Maybe, just maybe, one day,

I won’t be afraid.

 

Editor: A.J. Patencio

Valeria

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By Renée

You will fight.

You will conquer.

You will go up in front of the crowd,

and you will shine.

You need your strength,

my little darling.

Though we may fight,

us, together, we will win the world over.

You don’t always have,

to be so strong;

I’ll be here to lift you up.

We will fight,

and we will conquer.

 

Editor: Peter Kadel