We are excited to see the creativity and talent that our students bring in their yearbook cover ideas! Yearbook staff will be choosing the cover design come the first week of November.
Mr. Wendt-West, Yearbook Advisor
Design the Yearbook Cover!
Never do these things in your relationships
Oliver’s post is the first in our series on Forbidden Things – stay tuned for forbidden foods, forbidden places, and surprise forbidden Indy things. Follow Oliver’s advice in “Things to Never Do in a Relationship” and you may avoid painful mistakes with that best friend, pet, or with your mother.
–Instructor Zachik
By Oliver Martinez
Have you ever done something to your friend, or your mom, or your pet—maybe as a joke, or by accident, or on purpose–and then you realize that your loved one kind of hates you for it ? Well, here are seven things never to do in your relationships . . . because who wants to be hated?
Don’t Do This to Your Friends
1. Leave your friend hanging
This is just cruel. Making plans and never showing up is pure evilness. After this, don’t expect to be talking to your friend for at least the next week or so. And, it’s even worse when you don’t give them a heads-up that you won’t be showing up. You just don’t show up at all, and now your friend won’t talk to you.
2. Leave your friend on “read”
What’s worse than leaving your friend’s text message on “delivered”?
When you read their message and decide not to respond.
Now, I speak from personal experience. I have been left on “read” and left others on “read ,” too. And, I can see why it’s annoying. Reading someone’s text and just deciding it’s not worth twenty-five seconds of your life to respond can lead to hurt feelings. Now, maybe your friend won’t stop talking to you for this, but they definitely will point it out the next time you hang out with them.
3. Prank your friend
Now, I’m not talking about those little pranks, like joking with your friends or just messing with them. I’m talking about those types of pranks where you throw their phone into a river or throw eggs at them. Those pranks are the ones that make your friend hate you, and “it’s just a joke” won’t fix the situation. Thankfully, for this one, I do not speak from personal experience. I’ve seen it happen, but it hasn’t happened to me.
Don’t Do This With Your Pets
4. Forget to give them their usual treat
Pets are smarter than they seem. They remember the routine of you giving them their usual treat. And, when you forget, they will remind you. And, by reminding you, I mean they will bark at you until you give them their treat. Here, I do speak from personal experience.
5. Put pet clothing on them
Pets hate when you put clothing on them. During the winter, we used to put a little sweater on one of my dogs because we thought she would be cold. But I guess one day she had enough of the sweater and found a way to take it off. She ripped it to shreds. From then on, we didn’t put clothes on my dog anymore. Besides, experts say that dressing up your dog “could cause painful rubbing against a dog’s skin, as well as causing them to potentially overheat and get stressed” (Prima.co.uk). So, whatever you do, don’t dress up your dog.
With Family Members, Remember, Don’t . . .
6. “Forget” to do your chores
Whether you actually forgot to take out the trash or you were just not feeling like it, parents –most of the time– get pretty mad if you don’t do your chores. I think that what annoys them most is knowing that we can easily do our chores but decide not to because we’re lazy. I would recommend at least giving a valid reason on why you couldn’t do your chores.
7. “Forget” to clean your room
This one technically comes under the umbrella of “not doing your chores,” but it’s such a problem that it’s in its own category. Are you ever just relaxing in your room and then your parents walk in and realize it’s a mess? Well, I know this has happened to the vast majority of us. And, parents get really upset when our room isn’t clean and tidy. I understand why they get angry, but at the same time, does my room really look that bad if I forget to make the bed one day? Or if I have two or three water bottles in my nightstand? Well, the point is, clean your room to make your parents happy.
Truth is, it’s impossible to keep everyone happy. At a certain point in time, you will say or do something dumb and your friends and family will briefly hate you for it. Best thing to do is to just make the mistakes and learn from them.
Perfect . . . if only the ending were different
In R.F. Kuang’s recently released “satirical literary thriller”* Yellowface, the writing-workshop characters answer, “What’s a book that would be perfect if you could rewrite the ending?” I put the question to our bloggers, allowing them to include movies, TV series, and short stories in their replies.
*New York Times
**Spoiler Alert: Story endings will be revealed in the following commentaries on The Road, The Giver, The Flash, and The Parent Trap.
Blog Instructor Zachik
Oliver Martinez rewrites The Road.
The book The Road ends with the dad dying and the boy leaving with another family. Although it may be a strong ending, I personally believe that it would’ve been better if they ended up waking from a dream and waking up in a better place. Since the whole book in general is very sad, maybe this would’ve made it seem less depressing.
Gil Maruvada adds to The Giver.
I would end The Giver with Jonas waking up in the snow in the morning holding the child Gabriel at the bottom of the hill he rolled down, the sled and houses having been a hallucination of his addled mind. He would find some food to eat, and search for civilization while investigating the outside world and what happened; additionally, he would explore the boundaries of the civilization he left. Eventually Gabriel would return as a teen and see what had become of the civilization they had left behind and the infighting that had occurred, and it would philosophically reinforce the themes of the novel while addressing the complexities of revolution and changing society.
Louisa Richardson advocates shortening The Flash TV series.
A tv show that would be perfect without the ending is The Flash. I absolutely love superheroes and the first season of that show was literal perfection . . . . Although almost everyone hates it now, it was one of the best DC shows . . . . The casting was great; the CGI was good . . . , and the general premise was great. After season 5, I think everything went downhill. The cast got too big; the CGI was horrible, and the script was so repetitive. If I could change it, I’d probably just make it so that The Flash ended after season 5 but maybe without the random long lost daughter from the future part.
Indy Behr champions the villain of The Parent Trap (again).
I get why the twins’ father Nick chose them over his ex Meredith Blake, but I still wish that they hadn’t ended her story by having her storm off angrily. I don’t think she was the villain, which I wrote a blog article*** about. . . . I do not think this ending was appropriate.
*FYI: Blog class voted for Louisa’s rewrite. Which do you like? If given the chance, what story ending would you rewrite?
***“Why Lindsay Lohan’s ‘The Parent Trap’ is the Greatest Movie Ever Made and Often the Most Misunderstood” by Indiana Behr
Advice Across the Ages: How to be in a Relationship
By Freshman Louisa Richardson
One of the perks about being at a school like Palm Valley is that we go all the way from preschool to high-school seniors. This means, with all these ages, interviewing is really fun. I have found with past surveys that the answers to questions vary quite a lot depending on the age of the interviewee. When asking a rather silly question (at least in the little ones’ eyes) like, “Do you have any relationship advice,” kids usually start with a few giggles; whereas angry teenagers usually start with an eye roll. I asked a large group of kids, little ones to teenagers, the same question, Do you have relationship advice for new couples? I started with 4th graders, and worked my way up. Some responses were refreshingly wholesome, and some were outright disturbing.
Blogger Louisa
Asked: What relationship advice do you have for a new couple?
And, Answered:
“Keep like a friend!”
This response came from a little girl named Jasmine Linthreum. A sweet 4th grader, who, when I asked her class if anyone wanted to answer, raised her hand really high with a big smile on her face. This response was very heartwarming.
“First, keep a really safe distance before you act, and make sure you always keep a ring, just in case.”
Luke McDaniel answered with this delightful response; he is in fourth grade and took my question very seriously. He seemed to enjoy answering.
“Just tell the person you like to look up, down, to the side, and to the other side, then down again, then grab their chin and kiss ‘em! It worked for me.”
Sheldon Kirsch seems to know a lot about relationships. The fourth grader was extremely confident in his answer; his was the most mature answer in his class–even if his response might not work for the high schoolers.
“They should do a date every week! And, they should text each other during class, but only if they’re allowed. OH OHH make sure you say you love each other on Instagram!!”
Anna Boutine was one of the most enthused kids I asked; she seemed to have a lot of ideas.
“Try to get to know each other and be honest with each other.”
Cleo Antle (fifth grade) here gave some very good advice, with no giggles beforehand. I think we all can learn something from Cleo’s response.
“Don’t change yourself for anybody.”
This response comes from a delightful Sophia after about five minutes of giggles.
“Don’t rush it and take it slow, and be really careful. Also don’t do a reality tv show; I’ve seen what it does to people.”
Mikel Lomsky is the most mature person I have interviewed in any class. His response is very accurate and wise. He is in the fifth grade.
“Just get to know each other before dating.”
Reagan Kaminsky here burst out laughing when I asked her my question. It was very interesting to compare the differences between her and Mikel, as they were sitting right next to each other, in the same grade, same class, and yet their initial reactions are so different.
“Don’t rush and make sure everything is consensual.”
Bella Lua here seems to know what she’s talking about as she is in a relationship. She was very mature. In comparison to the other kids in the eighth grade that I interviewed, she definitely took this question seriously.
“Lick her earlobes, and uhh treat yo girl with pure kindness and make sure to comfort her.”
Raven Sayers (eighth grade) here is definitely right about the last part.
“Don’t pick someone high maintenance. Don’t buy gifts; keep your money.”
Caleb Kassinove (freshman) is absolutely right. He gave a very mature response.
“Do I look like I know anything about relationships?”
Brooklyn Hatrak (freshman) seems like she’s speaking from experience.
“The honeymoon phase doesn’t last forever.”
Olivia Puetz couldn’t be more correct. She is a freshman in high school and seems like she’s already sick of all the public displays of affection.
“No, I don’t have any relationship advice!!”
Ally Bankers (senior) delivered this response over paper, but she certainly wrote aggressively. I would call this response immature, but she may just not be happy to see me.
“Don’t get in one; it ruins sports and your grades. Be really careful and learn how to balance it.”
Arsh Rehman had one of the most mature responses of his class. He is a senior.
“Listen, forgive, and explain your feelings accurately.”
Mr. Satterfield was very mature, and gave an accurate response.
“Be nice and always open minded.”
Jasmine Grace, LS Administrative Assistant, delivered this response with the appropriate amount of seriousness.
After having interviewed at least two people from a wide variety of ages, I have come to the conclusion that relationship wisdom really just depends on the person and their personal experience. Although I got a lot of giggles from the lower schoolers, I also got a lot of giggles from the seniors. As for maturity, I can confidently say that the teachers I asked were definitely the most serious. I think the levels of maturity really vary depending on the person, but once you get past the age of around twenty, you become much more serious. Thank you to all the kids and adults I interviewed!
Four Ways to get your Fuzzy Friends to Favor You
Let’s use “relationship” as a verb, as in how to “ski,” or how to “cook pasta.” Here at thebirdonfire.org, we considered “how to relationship”: how to be the best we can with our loved ones, how to be healthy, giving, and strategic. We have relationships with our spouses, our boyfriends, our girlfriends, our siblings, our parents, and our bff’s. We have relationships with our furry loved ones–or, as Oliver says, our fuzzy loved ones. Oliver considers how to have healthy relationships with our dogs.
By Sophomore Oliver Martinez
Having a good relationship with your dog can be hard work. However, there is a reason why dogs are called “man’s best friend.” I have a Basset Hound and a Dachshund–Muñeca and Heidi respectively. I’ve had Muñeca the Basset Hound for three years. Heidi has been with me for ten years. Here are four things that have helped me get along well with my dogs.
Tip #1: Spend time with your dog.
This one may be obvious, but to have a good relationship with your dog, you have to spend time with it. Some ways to do so include: Take your dog on a walk; teach it some tricks; play catch with it. Dogs love when you spend time with them. It makes them feel safe and happy. According to rover.com, “The hormone oxytocin, or ‘the love chemical,’ is released in dogs’ brains during positive social interactions.” It would be wise to spend time with your dog as they enjoy it and start to like you more.
Tip #2: Buy your dog gifts.
Buying your dog a gift every once in a while can feel really nice. Both the doggo and you enjoy these types of moments. Whether it’s a new toy like a chewy squeaky toy or a new bed, dogs like the attention and appreciate you even more.
According to Dr. Ellen Langer, a professor of psychology from Harvard, “When you give a gift to your dog, it’s sort of pure. You just assume the dog is going to like it, you feel relaxed, the dog senses that you’re relaxed, and the interaction is loving.” When the dog perceives that you are relaxed, it relaxes, too. So, maybe it’s time to go buy a gift for your pet–for both your sake and the sake of your dog.
Tip #3: Reward your dog with treats.
Dogs love being rewarded. And, they also love treats. When your dog is being obedient, why not give it a treat? There are many different types of foods to give your dog. I usually give my dog vegetables, like carrots or celery. I also give my dog salmon bite treats. These dog treats are not only healthy, but dogs genuinely like eating them. According to Reader’s Digest (rd.com), the salmon bites “contain Alaskan salmon oil”; they “improve dog’s skin and coat and can reduce itchiness and chronic licking” and are “easily digestible”–all of which are big pros for your dog’s health.
Apart from that, treats help you train your dog to obey your commands. My dogs get carrots when they “Sit” successfully.
Tip #4: Respect your dog.
This one may be the most important one of them all. Respecting your dog is very important. It’s like the popular phrase “treat others like you want to be treated.” Dogs are clever animals, and they understand when you show them respect; in turn, they’ll show you respect as well. It is important that we take care of our animals because we accepted responsibility for them when we adopted them. Their well being depends on us. So, let’s make our best effort to respect our dog and show them our love. Talk nicely to your dog–no raising your voice. Pet your dog. In play or training, don’t be physical to the extent that you could hurt your dog.
Having a good relationship with your dog certainly isn’t easy, but is definitely worth it. I’ve been using these tips with my dogs since we got them, and it has worked out pretty well. Try these tips out, and let us know in the comments if they worked!
Name That Blogger
By way of introducing our 2023-24 staffers, let’s play “Name That Blogger!”
I asked our 2023 bloggers to write spatial autobiographies, detailing objects that define them (a prompt borrowed from Poets & Writers). Below, you’ll find excerpts from these spatial autobiographies; you guess which blogger belongs to which objects. (Hint: You might consider pulling from the vibrant-voiced pool of Indiana Behr, Oliver Martinez, Gil Maruvada, and Louisa Richardson.)
You can log your guesses in the Gil-created Name That Blogger quiz.
Blog Instructor Zachik
[A] Who’s That Blogger? _______________________________
In my room the lighting is horrible, this is because it is an old house which shows my ability to accept everyone no matter what age. I share the bedroom with my little sister with a little pink bunk bed situated on the left side of the room. I called the bottom bunk because I knew I would get to hang stuff up on the “ceiling” of it. Which demonstrates my ability to think ahead. What I didn’t think about is the fact that Morgan vomits when she’s nervous and she has thrown up on me twice this year. But that’s okay because it shows the fact that I am willing to learn from my mistakes, and choose the top bunk next time.
[B] Who’s This Blogger? _________________________________
When I think of an area with a large group of objects in my house, I think of my coffee setup. There’s lots of stuff, but a few of them make me think of several memories. My first coffee grinder was about $150 dollars, which for coffee grinders is not very much, and it doesn’t really give me the best results. I have several newer, nicer, models, and I really never use this one, and yet, I can’t sell it or get rid of it because of the attachment I have to it. I have a plastic Hario V60, which is a pour over device that costs less than $10. It was the first object of its kind I purchased, and its actually just as good as similar devices that cost hundreds of dollars and I still used it for years, until one day, I dropped it after brewing, and it cracked in two. I was able to purchase a new one that was identical, and it was still cheap, and yet still, it does not feel the same. Everytime I use it, I still miss the old one.
[C] And, Who’s This? ______________________________________
I walk around my house and see a bottle with germ killer spray and it reminds me of 3 years ago when we used it excessively to clean anything and everything that entered our house to protect ourselves from covid.
I also see a large clean green screen which was used to make movies last year for Mr. Griffin’s class. Reminds me of having to re-film a scene 20 times because Matteo didn’t like it.
I see a purple legacy edition LeBron James jersey which reminds me of the many Lakers games I have gone to.
I see a bookshelf with all The Diary of a Wimpy Kid books in order, which reminds me of going on long road trips and reading them along the way.
[D] And, Who Is This Blogger? _______________________________________
The books lining the shelves remind me of the stories that I’ve read, that I used to read, and ones that I haven’t yet finished. Every book has its own story, each one with different memories attached. How can the shelves bear the weight of so much thought? A small box that was used for holding cigars contains fossils and rocks, a gift in a curious container. You see the box was given to me by a man who used to smoke cigars in the house next door, the box boasts of holding 25 of them at one point. Fossils. A small model ship given to me by my grandparents sits on a shelf, the Mayflower. I was born in May, but I am not a flower, nor can I carry 135 people. A chessboard sits in the closet; I used to use it to play with my brother. It feels good to win. A telescope takes up a corner; it was a gift from a family friend who I met when I was little. Chance gave me the ability to meet him again almost a year ago. Sometimes chance is a curious creature; it has guided my life in many ways. People are born of chance, become students of chance, work for chance, and die by chance. Sometimes life is a curious creature. When you are at your lowest, you’ll never be there again. But, when you reach your highest point, you can’t live it again either. It might be best to just move forward.
Guess your blogger on the Gil-created quiz: Name That Blogger Quiz
A Classic Dinner Table Argument
Since the PVS Blog staff is busy polishing its first assigned posts for 2023-24, we dug into our archives for this one. Last spring, blogger Louisa Richardson valiantly pursued an answer to the question, “Which is the most difficult sport?” I’ve heard the stories of our winning volleyball players sacrificing life, limb, and bruise-free complexions as they dive across the gym floor. Is that the most demanding sport? The Palm Valley community talked to Louisa and had some surprising responses.
Blog Instructor Zachik
A Survey, Conducted by Louisa Richardson
One of the more controversial subjects at my dinner table is the debate over “What is the most difficult sport?” My father thinks it’s tennis. I think it’s hockey. My mom and sister think it’s swimming. There is no consensus. I’m here to change that. I talked to Coach Erenberg, and I DID find out what The Most Difficult Sport is.
Coach says that the hardest mental and physical sport is hockey because it is like any other sport, but on skates. My aunt has a different hypothesis; she thinks that dance is the hardest. As a dancer myself I have always thought that ballet was the hardest mental sport simply because of the mental abuse it puts you through. It seems like everyone has a different opinion, so maybe the best way to decide is a vote.
Dr. Sherman and Mr. Satterfield agree the hardest sport is ultramarathon running because it goes on for so long that you have the constant opportunity to fail.
Ms. Schapiro states, “Rock climbing [is most difficult] because it requires mental and physical acuity (also I’m scared of heights).”
Upper Schooler Cindy Wang says the most challenging sport is “Horseback riding because you have no control over the horse, and often at competitions they have you ride a different horse than you are used to.”
Ms. Bartosik says the most difficult sport is “Boxing because it can have a lot of bad injuries that can result in a lot of recovery time, so you have to be in good shape.” She adds, “I have a lot of respect for boxers.”
Ms. Greer, Lead Administrative Assistant, presumes that horse polo is the hardest sport because of the trust you need to put in your horse.
Mr. Killeen thinks that water polo is the hardest sport because it “gets really physical and is also underappreciated.”
Students Lorelei Behr and Scarlett Barrett believe that the hardest sport is football because of the brain trauma and general aggressiveness the sport contains.
Finally, Middle Schooler Hunter Harrington says of sports, “All of them [are difficult] ‘cause no one ever lets me play…”
Not including myself, we have two votes for football, several for boxing, two votes for ultramarathon running, and a bunch of other sports. You’re probably thinking that it would be a three-way tie, but a special guest states that The Most Difficult Sport . . . is boxing. Who’s that special guest, you ask? It is Google. When you ask Google: What is the most difficult sport? It answers . . . boxing (ESPN). Boxing is the hardest sport. You will be happy to know that most of the other sports mentioned are also up there on the difficulty scale, but boxing has won overall.
Although I might have not agreed with this opinion before, Ms. Bartosik offered a pretty convincing argument with the threat of serious injury. Thus, the consensus is . . . Boxing is the hardest sport.
Goodbye, Summer (Vacation)
Welcome back to thebirdonfire.org. On the first day of this 2023-24 school year, I asked 8th graders to read and respond to Emily Dickinson’s “As imperceptibly as grief.” She was mourning the passing of summer in the poem. I asked how the 8th graders felt about summer winding down. Kimberly had not only a full reply, but one in impressive verse. She’s allowed me to share below. — Blog Instructor Zachik
First, Dickinson . . .
As imperceptibly as grief
The summer lapsed away, —
Too imperceptible, at last,
To seem like perfidy.
A quietness distilled,
As twilight long begun,
Or Nature, spending with herself
Sequestered afternoon.
The dusk drew earlier in,
The morning foreign shone, —
A courteous, yet harrowing grace,
As guest who would be gone.And thus, without a wing,
— by Emily Dickinson
Or service of a keel,
Our summer made her light escape
Into the beautiful.
Now, Kimberly . . .
As the days drift
With the hot breeze and the summer sun
A feeling of unfamiliarity emerges
A feeling of loss
But as the days continue
And autumn creeps up from behind
The feeling of hope
Leads into comfort and knowing
That everything changes, for better or worse
Seasons change like the changing of mind
A change of clothes and a different pair of shoes
The dog days of summer turn into the black cats of Halloween
Crisp warm days and chilly nights
And waving goodbye somehow does not seem so sad.
— by Kimberly Sayers
Best of Blog ‘22-23
By Junior Luke Sonderman
It is the end of the school year, and we have written a lot of interesting blog articles. We have had returning blog writers, new blog writers, and even some guest bloggers throughout this school year. I am excited to bring to you my personal rating of this year’s blog articles!
1. “Teacher Madlib Video” by Levi Kassinove and Luke Sonderman
As much as I hate to nominate my own blog article out as the #1 of the year, I have to give the #1 spot the “Teacher Madlib Video” I did with Levi. This video blog consisted of nearly 100 videos of teachers saying random adjectives, nouns, and verbs that all fit into a Madlib-style story created by Levi and me. When this video launched from The Bird on Fire, the viewership was hot. Everyone was talking about the outrageous story we created using the words of Palm Valley’s very own teachers. If you want to see this video, visit thebirdonfire.org.
2. “Stop Taking Your Pets Everywhere!” by Indy Behr
My selection for the second best blog article of the year goes to Indy Behr for “Stop Taking Your Pets Everywhere!” This blog article started an absolute riot in the comment section, and anyone who has read my articles knows that I am one for chaos and controversy. In this article, Indy discusses the dangers of allowing emotional support animals in public spaces. In a lengthy evidence-supported response to Indy’s article, Palm Valley Alumnus Luke Langlois said, “You use anecdotal evidence and buzzwords like scientific evidence to deny the one true motivation behind this post: you are a dog HATER.” In defense, Indy responded to Luke saying, “For the record, its[sic] pretty clear your argument is shaky when you attack my motivation and falsely accuse me, someone who very much appreciates dogs, of being a dog hater.” As tensions and tempers arise, Blogger Levi Kassinove responds to Indy’s comment with “*It’s” to correct Indy’s improper grammar. The comment section was almost more entertaining than the article! If you want to read the article and the battle in the comments, visit thebirdonfire.org.
3. “Steak of the Gods–Wagyu” by Levi Kassinove
One of the most popular articles of the year is my #3 choice, “Steak of the Gods–Wagyu,” by Levi Kassinove. I, myself, have never tried Wagyu, but after reading this article I almost feel like I have. Levi says that when you take a bite “it’s like a hedonist party in your mouth.” And, yes, he used the right form of “it’s.” Aside from making my mouth water, this article was a hit in student life! Walking through campus, I would hear Wagyu this, Wagyu that. I had never even heard of Wagyu until Levi told me about it! Even teachers were asking Levi about Wagyu during class! If you want to have a “hedonist party in your mouth,” visit thebirdonfire.org.
4. “Dear Marley” by Jess Billimore
Although this article is what I consider a “cop out” (a minimal effort article that scores a good grade with Ms. Zachik, our blog advisor), I have put it on this list because of its widespread popularity. In this article, Jess gathered questions that various staff and students had for her chihuahua, Marley, and answered them from the point of view of her dog. So when you read this article, realize that Marley isn’t actually a talking dog, and, no, she didn’t actually answer these questions. Marley was a hit in the Upper, Middle, and even Lower School! The mother of Palm Valley 1st grader Natalie responded to the article saying, “Our Natalie loved reading this 🙂 thank you.” To view Marley (not actually) respond to Palm Valley’s questions, visit thebirdonfire.org.
5. “An Ode To Levi’s Hoodie” by Indy Behr
Last but not least, my #5 pick again goes to Indy Behr–this time with “An Ode To Levi’s Hoodie.” In this article Indy discusses Levi’s treasured $139 hoodie made from alpaca fur. Indy even quoted me as I nicknamed Levi “Princess Levi” for his outrageous bougieness that was only topped off by this ridiculous hoodie. I mean come on, the guy eats $100+ Wagyu steaks. Like most of the articles on this list, it was a hit in the Middle and Upper School. Levi was getting questions left and right about his hoodie that Indy discussed in the article. After a week of Levi getting away with wearing this out-of-dress-code hoodie, Head of School Dr. Sherman told Levi to go back to wearing a school sweatshirt. To hear more about Indy’s obsession with Levi, visit thebirdonfire.org.
It has been a fun year in Blog, full of great articles by our various blog writers, but it is time to say goodbye. Hopefully, you will hear more from me next year if I return to the blog staff, but until then… adios, 再見, au revoir, הֱיה שלום, さようなら, ลาก่อน, до свидания, and goodbye.
A Clam Graduation
In this season of 5th-grade promotions, 8th-grade promotions, high-school graduations, and college graduations, of course we need to check in with Levi’s underwater friends to hear about . . . the clam graduation.
A bildungsroman by Levi Kassinove
Food poisoning is no joke. Deep in the waters of the North Atlantic ocean, a young clam by the name of Adam fights his impending diarrhea as he struggles to finish his AP Clamculus exam. Just a few more questions, I can hold it, he thinks as his stomach produces ungodly sounds that echo throughout the high school. His consciousness fades; Satan’s army knocks at his intestines, and finally he cannot bear it any longer. Forget the integrals. Adam rushes to the bathroom. By the time he gets back, there is 5 minutes left for the exam. He curses under his breath. I think someone put laxatives in my morning fruit shake.
When the exam finished, Adam went home, barely talking to anyone. He had just endured a silent yet excruciating battle, and nobody would ever know.
Later that day, Adam burrowed in the sand and isolated himself from humaniclamity. Was he worth anything? The school year is ending, and so is clam childhood. Soon all of his friends would be in college; most would never see each other again. And, yet, his friends chose to waste precious time on ClamTok every day, every morning, every break, and every lunch. They were consumed by consumerism. Adam felt dead inside. His clamgirlfriend loved him and made him happy, of course, but Adam cared about everyone. However, he felt as if few really cared about him. Would he be missed? In college, in old age, where are those who share the memories?
Adam dozed off. He resolved that he knows nothing, and that he will merely ride the waves of the ocean. That’s really all we can do.
“DUDE, IT’S CLAM GRADUATION DAY” Adam’s phone buzzed, awakening him just 10 minutes before school started. It was his friend Jerryclam. Adam decided that he would no longer be rotten. He would suck it up (because he’s a filter feeder after all) and get to class. When he arrived, none of his friends said “Hi” to him. None even looked up from their phones. His final assignments were piling up and he couldn’t find in the deepest part of his shell the motivation to finish them. The world was ending right before his very eyes. He had already sunk to the bottom of the ocean, yet somehow he felt as if he could still sink lower.
Finally, it was time for the graduation ceremony. It was underneath a kelp forest, brimming with marine society. High above the ceremony, seahorses danced among the seaweed. A school of tuna contorted, twisted, gyrated, transformed, and molded into various 3-dimensional shapes. A squid shot its ink in the face of a small shark, and an octopus blended in perfectly with the seaweeds. Dolphins slapped and tossed a pufferfish through the air, like in a game of catch or football. Light shown in an extremely particular way through the kelp, creating a viridescent glow upon the ocean floor. But in between the kelp was a certain slant of light that reflected only off the shell of Adam. This spotlight on Adam was almost mocking, teasing, inviting him to enjoy the ceremony, inviting him to join in.
The senior class of 2024 gathered underneath the kelp. Adam was indifferent. The universe is one big ocean, with waves crashing onto you every second. He could care less about graduating. Each clam was called one by one, donning their black cloaks and wearing those square caps, to get their diplomas. Adam’s name was called. But, before he went off, his friend Christopher pulled him aside. “Hey, are you okay? I know I’ve been somewhat distant, and I’m sorry.Maybe after school we can play video games?”
Adam smiled. It was the second time he had felt any happiness that day, since Jerryclam texted him. As he took a picture with the Head of School, holding his diploma, a pearl suddenly materialized in his shell!
Adam knew at that moment that everything was going to be okay. He happily flapped his shell home. As he was approaching his crater in the sand, he got caught in a net. All of his newfound feelings of joy and revival disappeared like an octopus escaping a predator.
A few hours later, Adam was being served in a lovely garlic pasta in an upscale Italian restaurant. At least he wasn’t rotten.
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