the bird on fire

The Bird is the Word: Sophisticated Schoolyard Shenanigans

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Metsavendade Laul*

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By Junior Remy Haring

Saaremaa Island, Former United Baltic Duchy, Now Estonia

In a series of stories from multiple people all over the world collectively known as the Kaiserreich Files (inspired by the titular mod for Hearts of Iron IV), blogger Remy Haring explores an alternate history in which the Central Powers win the First World War.

Night of February 15, 1936

I was sitting on an ammo crate in our dark green tent cleaning my rifle with only a gas lamp to keep me company. My friend Jukka was on duty for the night, watching for any German patrols. Most of the German Army had fled Estonia and Latvia, but there were still a few lingering patrols on the island that were looking for me and other Forest Brothers. We were a group of Estonian Guerilla fighters who wanted to free our country from the clutches of the Kaiser. With the advent of Black Monday and the ensuing economic chaos, we saw this as our chance. While I was idling away cleaning, I heard loud and heavy footsteps crunching on leaves. For a second I thought it was a bear, but it turned out to be Martiinus.

Martiinus was a six-foot-tall giant and the muscle of our group. Not exactly the most subtle person, but he got the job done. He and Jukka entered the tent, and Martiinus had the biggest grin on his face. He produced a fresh bottle of vodka from his coat and some shot glasses.

“Where did you get that?” I asked.

“I found it in an old, abandoned German barracks,” he replied. “We are going to party tonight!”

“Martiinus, you oaf! You stormed a barracks without us? What were you doing?” Jukka snapped.

“What can I say? We needed supplies, and I’m not turning down a fresh bottle of vodka.” 

“Eh, whatever. Lucky you didn’t get yourself killed, and I haven’t had a good drink since the revolt began.”

“A toast to a free Estonia!” Martiinus shouted. “Taavet, you still have that old accordion?”

I pulled my old accordion out of my backpack and began to play Metsavendade Laul, our anthem, and we all began to sing: 

Ai-tših ai-tšah ai-velled!

Me, metsavennad, oleme

Ai-tših ai-tšah ai-velled!

Me, metsavennad, eestlased

February 16, 1936

It was early in the morning when we packed up our tents and moved to the north of the island. We got word on the radio that there was one last German division on the island at the town of Leisi, and, by god, we were going to be the ones to kick them out. Like cats we prowled through the dark, snow-covered fir trees. We are called the Forest Brothers for a reason after all. In the interior of the isle, there was no sign of human activity. It was all dense forest. We were on a ridge with a road below us when Jukka raised his hand to stop.

“See that?”

There were five German soldiers marching along the roads. The man in the front had a silver pickelhaube with a golden spike on top and the Prussian eagle emblazoned on the front. If I hadn’t known any better, I would think it was Kaiser Wilhelm himself. The other four were quietly and frantically chattering away. My German is admittedly poor, but from what I could make out, they were the last on the island, and everyone else had fled to the Latvian city of Riga.

“We ambush them on 3, give them a chance to surrender first,” Jukka ordered.

“Understood,” I replied

“You got it, boss,” Martiinus responded.

Without another word we leapt from our position and surrounded the Germans with guns drawn.

“Hands where I can see them, Krauts!” Jukka shouted, “We got you surrounded!”

When I got a good look at their leader, I saw it was none other than the famous field marshal Paul Von Hindenburg. Jukka continued with his demands while I kept my gun drawn.

“We will give you one day to get off the island and out of Estonia. Otherwise you will be shot,” Jukka demanded

“Ach ja, ja fine. We haven’t gotten any supplies since the revolt, and we are all that is left in your god-forsaken country,” Hindenburg responded.

“One more demand I have is your pickelhaube. You will return to Berlin a disgraced man or not return at all.”

“Ja, ja fine take mein kidney as well, why don’t you?”

I saw them leave from a small jetty as the sun set. The sun glinted against the ice and water as they steered for who knows where. We returned to the port, took down the old German flag, and a new, Estonian flag was raised. Down with the eagle, up with the blue, black and white tricolor.

*Anthem of the Estonian Forest Brothers

Quand Fera-t-il Jour, Camarade?*

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By Junior Remy Haring

Paris, France, January 3, 1936

In a series of stories from all over the world, collectively known as the Kaiserreich Files (and inspired by the titular mod for Hearts of Iron IV), blogger Remy Haring dives into an alternate fictional history–a history in which the Central Powers win the First World War.

The air was crisp and cold as I walked the Parisian street garnished in snow. At the corner was a little cafe. All the sidewalk chairs were taken in for the winter. A Syndicalist banner was draped on the wall outside that called for the French to support a general workers’ strike in America. I pushed open the splintered, wooden door and entered. I found a seat at the window. Across the street was a large, concrete apartment.

The inside was warm and relatively cozy. The smell of coffee permeated the air. I picked up the newspaper l’époque syndicaliste. “Quand Fera-t-il Jour, Camarade?” played on the jukebox. A poster of a French worker holding up the hand of an American worker and a British worker holding up the hand of a Russian worker read, “Support your fellow proletariat in the worldwide revolution.” I looked down at my table. It was covered with gouges and scratches. A waiter approached me.

“What would you like tonight?” she asked.

“Just an espresso, please,” I replied.

“Will that be all for tonight?”

“Yes, please.”

The coffee was watered down and tasted like sawdust, but it was reassuringly warm. I began reading the newspaper. To say a lot has happened in the news would be an understatement. The Berlin stock market crashed hard recently in Schwarzer Montag or Black Monday. Unemployment skyrocketed and bread lines stretched along streets. The situation was particularly bad in Poland where the ineffective regency council in charge did little about the situation. Now mass protests were breaking out in Poland as they demanded complete independence instead of being a lapdog of the Kaiser. Over in Russia, President Kerensky had been shot and killed. The fledgling republic was in chaos.

Here in France, a big election was going on between the current Syndicalists, the Anarchists, and the Sorelians. And, right then, a fierce argument broke out in the cafe. At the table in front of me were two people. One looked to be 40. He was covered in black soot and wore a miner’s uniform. The other was much younger and wore a bright yellow hard hat and a neon green vest. Welding goggles were draped on his neck, and he looked like he had just left the steel mill. 

“The Syndicalists are right: for the proletariat to truly be able to revolt against the bourgeoisie is for a state to be decentralized and for the government to consist of small, local worker’s unions as decision makers,” the miner said.

“You are an idealistic fool if you are to think that a decentralized state would be able to stand up against the bourgeoisie. The Totalists Ioseb ‘Stalin’ Dzhugashvili and Musollini were right saying that the only way for the proletariat to defeat the bourgeoisie is a highly centralized and militarized state,” the steel worker replied.

“Then we would just become as totalitarian and brutal as the bourgeoisie!” countered the miner.

The steel worker threw a punch at the miner, and the argument went from verbal to physical. It all culminated when the miner hit the steel worker over the head with a barstool. The steel worker crumbled to the ground, and the two were promptly forced out of the cafe.

Meanwhile, the election results for every commune in the country were being reported across the radio. Outside, a truck with the letter A in a circle painted on its side pulled up to the sidewalk. Suddenly, a brick crashed through the window and nearly hit one of the waiters. Shattered glass coated one of the booths and the floor. Thankfully, no one was hurt. The driver shouted, “Death to the syndicalist rats and the state! Long live the anarchists!” And, the truck sped off. 

So much for class solidarity, I mused and turned to the next page of the newspaper.

*”When Will the Day End, Comrade?”–French Socialist song from 1968

The Place I Would Like to See

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If Alyna could go anywhere back in history, she’d go to the opulent Titanic . . . , only to helicopter out before any iceberg appeared on the scene.

By Junior Alyna Rei

There are many places in the world I would like to see. The places I would love to visit are pretty well known. Something I would like to experience is the Titanic before it sinks. I want to see the atmosphere and the feeling of the biggest ship on water. Obviously, I’d rather not see or live through the end of the Titanic and the ship sinking. I’m basing what I envision of the Titanic off of the 1997 film. It was that lavish movie that  gave me the idea of writing this post.

Who do I want to see on the Titanic?

From the 1997 film of the Titanic, I would love to see Rose and Jack and how two opposites fall in love. (I am aware that they never existed). Another person I would love to meet is the captain. Hearing how the Titanic launched would be very fascinating to hear. Perhaps we could converse over a many-course dinner.

What would I like to see?

Just being on the ship would make me happy. One of the many things I would like to see are the two parties, the rich and the poor. I would like to experience both–whether that is a fancy dinner with royalty or an energetic dance party with hundreds of people, I would beg to see any of those scenes. Another iconic and popular setting I would love to see or rather stand on is the very front of the ship, the bow. I want to stand in that tiny space and see the dolphins and flowing water below me with the sunset in the distance.

Why the Titanic?

The Titanic was one of the most iconic creations on the planet. And to see how it was in the film makes me want to be there. I want to feel what the people felt boarding the ship. I want to taste the delicious food. I want to see the water and beautiful sunsets from the deck of this huge ship. 

Since the Titanic is not with us right now, or at least above water, other places I would like to see are the cool museums that honor the Titanic and have the coolest facts about the ship. Some of these museums are in Springfield, Belfast, Southampton, etc. I believe those museums are the closest I will be to the Titanic.

Documented Debacles of the Ancients

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By Hannah Hall

Tasked with finding “Funny stories from history,” Hannah encountered a cornucopia of outrageous events that make history a little more interesting.–Editor Evan

People have always been ridiculously stupid at times–whether that be through their actions, obsessions, or legends. I’ve scoped out some of the funniest historical moments and made a list–which is kind of my thing. Enjoy these stories, and let me know what you think!

1) Allegedly, when Voltaire was near his death, he was told to renounce the devil. He instead replied, “This is no time to be making new enemies.” I mean, I would want to at least try to be on the good side of the devil before my death, too. (Hilarious Historical, factinate.com).

2) Charles Darwin is widely known for his theory of evolution and his famous trip to the Galapagos Islands. When Darwin arrived on the islands, he discovered giant tortoises and thought that it would be a good idea to try and ride them. (Hilarious Historical, factinate.com).

3) We all know Plato, right? Well, his name actually wasn’t even “Plato.” Historians believe that was just his nickname. Funny enough, his nickname means “broad” in Greek. So all these years, we are actually calling Plato a big hunky man, aaaoooooga! (Greek Philosophers, factinate.com).

4) Speaking of Plato, Diogenes sent him a hand-plucked chicken and “called it a man.” This was a not-so-subtle nod to Plato’s famous quote of man being nothing but a “featherless biped.” His stunt urged Plato to change his interpretation of man to include “with broad flat nails.” (Greek Philosophers, factinate.com).

5) Fidel Castro loved loved loved ice cream. So much so, he actually bred his own kind of cow, called Uber Blanca, that “stands up to heat” and produces “lots of milk.” He loved ice cream so much that he founded an ice cream shop that is still running to this day! Also, Castro was so passionate about his dairy that he would even debate with other global figures about it. (liveabout.com)

6) In Ancient Rome and China, they needed a torture method that didn’t leave a trace. They came up with a method where they would rub salt on the soles of the victim’s feet, then goats would lick it off! (Hilarious Historical, factincate.com)

7) Andrew Jackson had a parrot. Unfortunately, at Jackson’s funeral, guests found out this bird had quite the foul mouth. This bird cursed up such a storm that it not only interrupted the service but had to be removed from the venue completely. Polly wanna shut up? I’m just kidding. (Hilarious Historical, factinate.com)

8) Tycho Brahe, a nobleman who is known for his astronomy and alchemy-related observations, was very proud of his mathematical formulas. He has actually been recorded to have challenged another scientist to a duel who believed his formula was better! In this duel, Brahe’s nose was sliced clean off, resulting in Brahe wearing a prosthetic nose until his death. (liveabout.com)

     

9) One day, Greek philosopher Chrysippus was feeding figs to his pet donkey. Naturally, he thought that the donkey should wash the figs down with an alcoholic beverage. The donkey of course got drunk, and the sight was so incredible that Chrysippus died of laughing–literally. (Hilarious Historical, factinate.com)

10) Willoughby Bertie had a thoroughbred–one of the most prestigious racehorses in the world. And, this thoroughbred had a unique name. When the horse was a colt, a stable boy was told the horse’s name was Potatoes and noted the name on paper. But he actually didn’t know how to spell “Potatoes.” So, the colt’s official name became “Potatoooooooos.” This name was shortened to “Pot8os” and surely left spectators amused. (liveabout.com)

Sources:

https://www.liveabout.com/hilarious-historical-facts-4154997

https://www.factinate.com/things/33-hilarious-historical-facts-brighten-next-history-lesson/
https://www.factinate.com/things/42-seriously-weird-facts-ancient-greek-philosophers/

Funny Stories from History Editor: Evan Spry

There Were Three Popes…And They All Excommunicated Each Other

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In looking for Funny Stories in History, as directed by Editor Evan, Sara looked to the Catholic Church and its intriguing papal history.

By Sara Habibipour

The history of the Catholic Church is a lengthy one (said every history student ever). But, hidden in this history is a pretty ironic story that’s worth sharing. It all takes place during the Western Schism.

After the death of Pope Gregory XI in 1378, the open position in the papacy led to the Western Schism. Urban VI was elected as pope but soon became very unpopular among the Roman people because he was known for being “temperamental, suspicious, and reformist” (History 101).

Where did the second pope come from? “Many of the cardinals under Urban VI left Rome and appointed Robert of Geneva (who took the name Clement VII) as a rival pope in Avignon” (History 101).

The council of Pisa was held in 1409 to resolve the question of the true heir. But, wait! There’s more! Alexander V established a third papacy in Northern Italy, leading to more drastic tensions within the Catholic Church; the followers of the three popes were greatly divided along national lines and “political antagonisms arose” (Medium). All three popes claimed legitimacy to the throne of St. Peter. In an attempt to resolve this issue and claim power, they all excommunicated each other! In other words, they exiled each other from the Church; this is the worst punishment a member could possibly receive because it dooms a follower to Hell! Rather than leading to resolved conflict, this event only led to an ironic and funny story. Never before in history had three popes deemed each other as disgraces to the Church! 

After three excommunications and eight years of the Council of Constance to elect a recognized pope by all, Pope Martin was elected to the papacy, effectively ending the Western Schism; there were no more arguments over who the true pope was. 

Sources:

https://www.britannica.com/event/Western-Schism

View at Medium.com

https://www.history101.com/one-time-there-were-three-popes-and-they-all-excommunicated-each-other/

Image Source: 

https://alchetron.com/Western-Schism

Funny Stories in History Editor: Evan Spry

Tomb or…Toilet?

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Elizabeth went searching for Funny but Historical Stories–as directed by Editor Evan. She found a most unsavory burial that nearly went to the grave with Patton.

By Elizabeth Shay

In 1917, esteemed World War II general George S. Patton visited the tiny French village of Bourg with the intention of establishing a tank training school. The local mayor approached General Patton in tears, claiming that the Americans had failed to inform him of the death of one of their soldiers. Patton was perplexed, as he was not aware of any death, but he allowed the mayor to lead him to the site of the soldier’s supposed grave: “Being unaware of this sad fact, and not liking to admit it to a stranger, I stalled until I found out that no one was dead. However, the Frenchman insisted that we visit the grave,”  as Patton recalled in his diary (later published by his widow Beatrice in 1947). 

Upon arriving at the site of the “grave,” Patton discovered that the mayor had led him to a recently filled latrine pit, with a makeshift cross that had the words “‘Abandoned Rear”’ stenciled into it. The French had mistaken the covered lavatory for a field grave! Not knowing how to respond, Patton simply offered his sympathies before leaving Bourg without telling anyone about the true nature of the grave.

Twenty-six years later, in 1943,  General Patton returned to his former Brigade Headquarters in Bourg and was shocked to learn that the “Abandoned Rear Grave” was still being maintained by the local population who viewed the unknown soldier as a national hero. Even after the second visit, Patton admits, “I never told them the truth!” and took the secret to his own grave.

Sources Referenced:

https://www.warhistoryonline.com/world-war-ii/abandoned-rear.html

10 Funny Stories from History that You Never Read in Your School Books

Funny Stories From History Editor: Evan Spry

Historical Figures–What would life be like without them?

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By Chelsea

As we all know, historical figures played a huge part in the making of our history. Their impacts are hugely different from one another, and thus, they made the world what it is today. Here are some famous historical figures that shaped the world. Imagine what life would be like without them.

Without Issac Newton, we would discover gravity much later, thus delaying the progression of scientific improvement.

Without William Shakespare, the greatest plays and stories would not have been created. 

Without Charles Darwin, the science of evolution of all species would not be discovered until much later. 

Without Nicolaus Copernicus, people would choose to believe in religion that earth is the center of the universe much longer than it should be.

Without Benjamin Franklin, the discovery of electricity would be much later than it was supposed to be.

Without George Washington, America would take much more time to gain its independence, or it would still remain in the Commonwealth.

Without Susan B. Anthony, the women’s suffrage movement would never have made it that far.

Without Adolf Hitler, the Second World War would probably have never happened. The geography of European countries would not have changed during that time. The recovery of the Great Depression in the USA would recover much slower. NATO and the Marshall plan would never exist. etc. 

Without Robert E. Kahn and Vint Cerf, our improvement on the internet would have slowed, or never happened. 

Without Sergey Brin, our beloved Google would never exist. Or, it would take on another name.

Can We Truly Admire Historical Figures?

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By Luke Langlois

Image result for ronald reagan black and white

Blog readers, as I am writing this, the world is practically on lockdown due to COVID-19 and, although we are still practicing distance learning, I find myself with quite a bit of time on my hands. If you happen to find yourself stuck at home, this is an excellent time to think about big questions and self-reflect. For example: if you were to become a historical figure, would you be an admirable one? While I am sure you would like the answer to be “Yes, of course!” you probably have some skeletons in your closet that would make it real difficult to like you if they were presented in a history textbook. Whether it is something you have said, done, believed, or some other personal vice, there has got to be something that is not likable about yourself. 

I present this information not as a personal attack or something to lower your self-esteem, rather it is just a fact of the human condition. Nobody is perfect, and even if you believe you are, the definition of perfect varies by individual. But that’s a discussion for another time. Now, humans also have a tendency to admire other people. After all, we are social creatures. Furthermore, we tend to glorify people who have made their mark on our world and human history. The accomplishments of these historical figures are romanticized, and we make these people become “larger than life” with monuments, namings, movies, documentaries, etc. Yet, how are we supposed to look up to and, sometimes, even model ourselves after these figures if they are deeply flawed like the rest of us? 

We all know by now that just about every President we have had has had some sort of nasty side, even though streets and cities around the country are named after them. Washington, Jefferson, and almost every President up to Ulysses S. Grant owned slaves. Ronald Reagan was recently revealed to have made racially insensitive comments in a phone call with President Nixon, who also chuckled at the joke (although he’s already not a very well liked man). More contemporarily, Barack Obama stated that he was against same-sex marriage all the way up to the 2008 election, a position he would now be chastised for amongst his supporters. While it is true that the office of President of the United States has been held by a limited demographic, to say the least, the point still stands for other often admired historical figures: people who have done great things have also done some not-so-great things. Nowadays, it seems that we walk on eggshells when it comes to these matters. If you admire a figure with some not-so-admirable traits, many people would argue that you subscribe to these beliefs and even enable these actions by looking up to the said figure. 

One of the primary purposes of learning about history is to learn from our past mistakes. The problem many people have with history, though, is that it is difficult to make connections from past to present. It can be difficult to relate our modern information era to, say, the Gilded Age of the late 19th century. This is where historical figures come in. Although times may change, people have always been people. When we can relate to a figure and find a common point through our humanity, we can truly feel the enrichment of our history. If we scold ourselves for connecting with our historical figures, we risk severing ourselves from a meaningful connection with our past.  

“No one is entirely good or entirely bad. Everyone has some good and some bad in them. Look at Franklin Delano Roosevelt. He certainly helped the United States get out of the Great Depression and was the president the country needed at the time. However, he was not perfect: he signed off [Executive Order 9066] on the Japanese internment camps, for instance.”

— Palm Valley Student Charles Schnell

Historical Figures Editor: Renée Vazquez