Blogger Gil challenged us to write about forbidden things. Oliver coached us to avoid forbidden relationship faux pas. Gil will be our tour guide through forbidden places. Indy is a master of the forbidden. Louisa . . . contemplates forbidden foods–foods that look enticingly tasty but aren’t actually foods at all. Never fear: No high schooler was harmed in the making of this post. Nobody got eaten, and Louisa is just fine. For now.
By Freshman Louisa Richardson
Have you ever looked at something completely inedible and thought to yourself, “I would totally eat that.” Even if they aren’t edible things, that will not stop my brain from thinking “oh tasty!” Recently on a trip to the grocery store, I saw some strawberry syrup (aka Palmolive pink dish soap) and told my mom that I would eat it. My mother looked at me with surprise and disgust. Silly, Mommy, it just seems so delicious. Since Gil told us to consider “The Forbidden,” I thought it would be fun to go through a list of things I would like to eat that are definitely not edible. I did find the further into the list we go, the more disturbing the “food” items get.
Fiberglass Insulation
Take a good long look at fiberglass insulation and tell me you don’t want to dive in there and start munching. As someone who has touched this glass-flavored cotton candy, I will tell you, it appears crunchy. I imagine it makes that delightful crunching noise that gives it perfect texture. 10/10 I will eat this.
Dish Soap
This strawberry–flavored creamy deliciousness happens to be dish soap. I won’t let that stop me. If you were to squeeze some out of the bottle, you can’t tell me it doesn’t look like the syrup they would use in a waffle commercial. I can practically hear the salesman saying, “New at Waffle House, Strawberry Waffle Syrup perfect for your waffles!” Is your mouth watering yet?
Falling-Water Thinking-Putty
Silly Putty is one of those things with me. I wouldn’t eat it, but I would definitely think about it. I would probably eat it if it smelled better. I feel like the taste would be too chemically. For those of you who are thinking, “They make candy-smelling slime,” slime and putty are two very different things. I need a food-scented Silly Putty; then I would eat it. No questions asked.
Stretchy Slap Sticky Toy Hands
I think I actually did eat one of these party favors as a child. I used to get them at the dentist, and it was the greatest feeling to slap my sister with them. My sister hated it. I would absolutely eat these, any flavor: grape, lemon, cherry, and blue raspberry, the gummy texture, the stretch, the perfect bite. I imagine getting a whole pack of these, and eating them like that candy fruit roll up. Absolutely delicious.
Mod Podge
“The perfect dipping sauce for children’s fingers.” — Freshman Brooklyn Hatrak
This particular inedible decoupage snack doesn’t actually seem tasty. It’s just the way that the word podge sounds. I would never eat glue, but I would eat podge. Don’t ask me what the difference is because I don’t know; I just want to eat it.
Spackle
Any flavor of spackling looks delicious. Can you imagine what would happen if I just made a spackling cake? You would eat it, wouldn’t you? Although a spackle cake technically exists already, I don’t think it’s really made out of spackle. I can change that. Mom, if you’re reading this, all I want for my birthday is a spackle cake.
Drilling Mud
This is chocolate, and you can’t tell me otherwise. Now the technical term is “drilling mud,” but it looks like dark chocolate pudding. Although drilling mud comes out of a very disgusting tube, I would probably eat it if someone served it to me in a pudding cup.
Molten Lava
Lava is a sea of literal goodness. Sure, it would burn my mouth, but if you’ve seen the videos online of people dropping the lava slowly but surely into a cup of water, you would know just how appetizing it appears. The color, texture, and dripping capabilities make this tasty snack all the more delightful.
Snow on a Tree
Now you might call me a picky eater for this one, but I would never ever eat a tree that doesn’t have snow on it–a light powdery snow. With snow as condiment, I would eat a tree. I would probably start with the little twigs, coated in a delicious white frosting. I think this craving comes from my urge to live in a gingerbread house. I imagine that my cravings for wood will never be satisfied, at least not until gingerbread season.
Adorable Pomeranian (aka Walking Cotton Candy)
I wouldn’t really eat a dog, just his fur. Pomeranians are so cute and cuddly, and their fur is so fluffy. Their fur would make that nice little crunchy sound, like cotton candy and insulation. I bet these dogs would be really ugly without fur; as a matter of fact, google it. I guarantee they are ugly without fur.
Animated Children
“I hear Hillary Clinton eats children.” — [a facetious] Senior Indiana Behr
Well, if Hillary does it, why can’t I? To be fair, I don’t necessarily want to eat a child. That’s creepy. It’s more that I want to eat those little pictures of children, as shown above. If I did eat a child, it would be one of these little animated ones. The images of children I would eat seem like they would be the texture of gummy bears, with a citrusy flavor. Again I WOULD NOT EAT A LITERAL CHILD, just the tiny little animated ones.
Remember readers, these foods are not edible (mostly because they’re NOT foods–especially children and dog fur), so, please, don’t eat them. Yeah, forbidden-food-that’s-not-food seems really tasty to me–whether it’s silly putty, or children. My friend Gil (fellow blogger) said, “I imagine that life is very difficult for someone who wants to go around eating everything,” and I can confidently say, Yes, yes it is.
*Note: No children, dogs, or spackle were harmed in the writing of this post.
Finally someone agrees with me about Pomeranians