A Clam Thanksgiving 

A Traditional Re-Telling, by Renowned Clamologist Levi Kassinove

Platitudinous as it was, the clams rested year-round on the sandy ocean floor. After all, do clams migrate? Do they flap their little halves and swim around twice a year? It doesn’t matter. A clam is what a clam is. A lowly, pathetic filter-feeder. Humans have them for dinner all the time with pasta. They are NOTHING to the animal kingdom. They are but a meager source of protein and tedious work for us. It is truly a pain for animals to bust open their shells, only to find a lackluster gob of flesh on the inside. Despite this rather insensitive banter about clams, which is obviously discussed among all other animals on a constant basis, clams are thankful.

A clam has its own little clam family, just like you and me. It is thankful for the bacteria that wafts in its direction, possibly providing sustenance. I don’t know what a filter feeder eats. Maybe it’s algae…. Nevermind, it’s plankton (bioexplorer.net). The fact of the matter is, even if one suffers from clampression, or is currently going through a clamcession, or is even in the midst of a global clamdemic, clams will stand (rest?) strong because of their hard outer shell. 

Clams have a marvelous ability to stand vis-à-vis with an octopus and not move a muscle. One clam is cornered. Our cornered clam senses he isn’t skilled or strong enough to avoid octopus calamity. It’s inevitable that this clam is gonna die. He’s gonna get crushed. All the other clams escaped from the octopus confrontation. They called upon their octopus-evasion skills; he wanted to be like them. But deep down, the clam knew he wasn’t as talented as the other clams. All he’s left to ask is…why isn’t he enough? To him, it seemed that everyone else was naturally better at life than him. Sure, he held his own in most aspects of life, but escaping an octopus? Clearly he did not have the talent. He was effectively worthless–not because of the octopus, but because of the other clams. See, if they had all died, he would feel totally content with his failure. He would happily accept death by octopus. But the fact of the matter was that he was the runt of the litter. He had to accept that. His misery sunk him so low that he actually started physically sinking into the sand. He disappeared under a blanket of wallow and self-loathing and small oceanic granules. The octopus scoffed and swam away. 

Then, suddenly, a giant evolved-monkey appeared in the water. At least, that was what it looked like to the clam. It grabbed the clam along with his family, which was like 15 other clams. The diver put the clams in a bag and threw them onto a boat. And, it was then, riding in a boat to their inevitable deaths by some chef at an Italian restaurant, that the clams celebrated Thanksgiving. Every clam knows that they are about to die. And yet, they celebrate the lives that they have lived. Our protagonist clam must forgive himself. Was it his life that he should be thankful for? Or rather, should he be thankful that HE has to carry the burden of being a worthless piece of shellfish? At least, the clam proposes to himself, he is punished with this terrible burden, rather than another clam. The clam would rather he suffer than another. He may not have forgiven himself, but he has forgiven The Almighty Clam. And that is why he is thankful. For he is…a clam.