Non-COVID-19 Passports That Reduce Your Risk to Society

A prompt inspired by Zach Zimmerman from the April 19, 2021, New Yorker

• While electronic vaccine passports are being debated, consensus is forming around several other passports that would communicate the level of danger you pose to the world. Here are some “passports” from The New Yorker and thebirdonfire.org staffers:

Flip-Flops Passport

Discloses when you last wore flip-flops in a non-nautical setting.

Sobbed-During-“Nomadland” Passport

Identifies that you cried during Swankie’s farewell monologue.

Magic-Trick-on-a-First-Date Passport

Confirms that you have never performed a card trick on a first date with a potential romantic partner.

From alumnus Erik Bearman:

Joe-Mama Passport

Documents how often you tell jokes about someone’s moms.

From senior Sara Habibipour:

Unseasoned Chicken Passports

Documents what spices you use to season your chicken. If you only use salt…get out. 

Toilet-Paper Hogger

Documents how much toilet paper you hoarded from the shelves. Don’t think that we didn’t notice, Karen…

From current blogger Roman Rickwood:

Do-you-even-lift bro passport

Confirms that you are telling the truth about your PRs in the gym.

From alumnus Hannah Hall:

Long-time-no-see Passport

Marks the amount of times you have told an old friend you should “get coffee sometime” and not spoken ever again.

From alumnus Elizabeth Shay:

5-Second Rule Passport

Demonstrates the last time you have justified consumption of a fallen food using this “foolproof” argument.

From alumnus Jake Sonderman:

Dasani Passport

Confirms that you drink Dasani water. Gross. 

Diet Coke Passport

“I have never seen a thin person drinking diet coke.” – Donald J Trump

Country-Music Passport

This passport gets you discounts on Stagecoach tickets but doesn’t let you within 200 miles of the Capitol Building.

From alumnus Evan Spry:

Dog-Approval Passport

A passport that discloses the overwhelming opinion that dogs have about you.