When attempting to break a world record, Evan finds himself engulfed in an adventure leading him to Africa.–World Records Editor Jake Sonderman
By Evan Spry
Chapter 1
When Jake told us his theme would be “Records You Think You Can Break,” I first thought, “Great!…Another one of Jake’s dull-witted schemes, that he’s known for” because what easy record could any of us have a chance at beating that has not already been beaten? Surprisingly, everybody is constantly trying to break world records, which means the internet is stacked with “easy” records to break on sites like thrillist.com. This should mean I could just quickly pick one of these stupid tasks, beat the previous person’s accomplishment by the smallest amount possible, and also bring global recognition, glory, and, most likely, massive wealth to my name. Maybe pesky Jake actually had a good idea? Not the case! I was completely overwhelmed as soon as I saw the seemingly endless amount of equally-lame tasks I would have to endure.
These included time-based tasks like most jello eaten with chopsticks in a certain time, most t-shirts put on in a certain time, fastest placement of 24 cans in a fridge, and countless more. This is the type of task I had to eventually conquer, unless I wanted to stick a bunch of post-it notes on my face or actually exert physical excellence and ability, which is not happening/possible. The deal was sealed, as Albert Einstein would say, but I had to choose which time-based record I would need to break. This is way way harder than it sounds because I didn’t want to do most of the beatable options. I kept scrolling and scrolling the lists and soon the pages on Google. I thought all hope was lost, but luckily I found the perfect choice…
Chapter 2
“Fastest time to put a double-duvet cover on a bed”–I must be blessed because my very own uncle used to be a French-maid for 30 years, and I could just ask him to teach me the best tips and tricks to master a “double-duvet,” whatever that is?
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Now, I just needed to contact my uncle, which was going to be more difficult than I expected. I had no idea how hard the pandemic hit him and how he had to return back to high-profile maiding at exclusive hotels around the globe. Turns out, they need his expertise back out in the field since hotels are reopening. When I called my uncle, the signal was super choppy and he said something about how he was at a “non disclosable offsite undisclosed location.” I tried calling him after he cut out, but I got no response. My plan was foiled to the core, and I couldn’t do anything about it. My uncle could be anywhere, and I doubt he was coming back anytime soon. I was devastated beyond human comprehension, and nothing could make me feel better.
Chapter 3
As a last ditch effort before I completely gave up, I booted up my computer and went searching for a new record. As I foraged through the backlogs and back alleys of the web, I stumbled upon something that could replenish my chances at breaking a world record. There was a website called ezcheatworldrecbreaker.com; it would be unethical to cheat at record breaking, but I would have to because I needed to reap the rewards of breaking a world record. I was scrolling through the very simply-put-together website but couldn’t really read most of the text because it was in Russian; anyways the writing I could read was outlining a cool-looking futuristic design of some sort of machine.
When I looked closer, I realized that it was a crane that grabbed and placed t-shirts onto a human body at a rapid speed. When I went to click the picture of the schematic, a pop-up appeared that asked if I would allow the site to access my location. I knew that if there was any chance I could order one of these machines, it would need my location for shipping and handling. I clicked “allow” and was immediately greeted with downloads loading and running at the bottom right of my screen. Thank the lord though, I was also greeted with a bunch of messages that exclaimed to me that he was a Nigerien prince, which according to him is way different than a Nigerian prince–you know the princes that go online and trick people that they are going to actually share their wealth. Anyways, the Nigerien prince told me his name was Quincy and that he knew the inventor of the shirt-placing crane.
Chapter 4
Unfortunately, Quincy told me that the only way he could get his hands on a machine for me is if I either flew out to South Sudan to receive an important machine part or send him 500 dollars via Paypal. Since I don’t have 500 dollars to send him through Paypal, I packed a suitcase with a couple changes of clothes and 5,000 dollars cash in case I needed to pay for things while I was there. I then bought the first ticket I could to Addis Ababa International in neighboring Ethiopia because I don’t think you can fly into South Sudan, but also Ethiopia’s capital has an epic name. Anyways, my flight is tomorrow, and I’m super excited to meet Quincy in person and secure the device that will change my life forever. Wish me luck!
World Records Editor: Jake Sonderman
Sources:
https://www.thrillist.com/gear/17-easy-to-break-world-records
I look forward to meeting you in person, Mr. Spry.
Fun Fact! Addis Abba translates to New Flower in Amharic (Ethiopia’s principle language). p.s. I only know this because I understand Amharic 🙂
I love learning new facts about stuff. That’s good for the Blog.–Evan Spry
This was fantastic Evan!! Thank you.