By Political Commentator-Blogger Luke Langlois
The United States, like always, is divided. There is quite the ideological split between “red” and “blue,” Democrat and Republican. Democrats tend to dislike Republicans and vice versa. Optimistic citizens seem to believe that the issue of division will resolve itself and patriotism will reign supreme. This will never happen. Therefore, I offer a simple solution: split the country.
So, if political parties seem to believe that they can run the country better, they should prove it! First, as democracy is very important, there will be a vote in every state. People will vote on what party they want their state to be governed by. The winning party will be the only party allowed to govern the state for the period of the split. For the sake of consistency, there will be third parties on the ballot. Though, we all know how successful third parties are. After the vote has happened, there should be a relatively even split between Democratic and Republican states. Now, I will address all of your questions. Yes, all of them. First, I must address the issue of the United States territories and Washington D.C. The United States territories will be auctioned off to other countries to help pay the national debt. Washington D.C. will be airlifted, via helicopter, to a safe location, probably Canada. Now that that simple issue has been dealt with, let’s dive into the logistics.
The country will be split for a period of 50 years. Both groups will receive their own federal government modeled after the former United States federal government. Then, the governance will BEGIN! The states shall govern themselves for this period of 50 years. After the period of 50 years, a winner will be chosen and the winning party will govern the United States for the rest of her days. There will be a highly complex process for choosing the winner. First, political figures from each side will be dropped into the ocean and will fight to the death with water guns. Then, the two groups will be measured side by side with a variety of factors. We’ll get an unbiased allied country to look at GDP, unemployment rate, overall happiness levels, et cetera. The winner will be determined by the latter factors. In the extremely unlikely case of a tie, the party with the most survivors from the ocean battle will run the country.
After a winner is determined, Washington D.C. will be retrieved from Canada, again with a helicopter, and governance will go back to normal, except there will be only one party controlling the United States. One day, I hope this dream will be realized.
Editor: Makena Behnke
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