A Performance on Puns . . . . A Play on Words

Compiled by Shelby Armor and Bella Bier

It’s the last week of school before February Break. If you’re dragging–not that you’re counting the days,–here are some puns to brighten your day. Puns make us giggle. Just ask Holden.

• Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
• I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
• Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.
• A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
• I’d tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
• Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was just a soft drink.
• When notes get in treble, bass-ically they get put behind bars. The alto-nate punishment is to push them off a clef and hope they land flat on sharp objects.
• I once got into so much debt that I couldn’t even afford my electricity bills, they were the darkest times of my life.
• Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
• When William joined the army he disliked the phrase “fire at will.”
• Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box.
• Why don’t programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.
• Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
• Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”
• My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
• I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
• Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming!
• What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
• Two windmills stood in a field. One asked the the other, “What type of music do you listen to?” The other replied with “I’m a big metal fan.”
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• A girl said she knew me from the Vegetarian club, but I had never met herbivore.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• Did you hear about the cartoonist who died alone in his apartment? Details are sketchy.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• There were two ships. One was painted red; the other was painted purple. They collided. At last report, survivors were marooned.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job? She couldn’t control her pupils.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
• I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
• I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Bakers trade recipes on a knead-to-dough basis.
• What do you give a sick horse? Cough stirrup and neighsel spray.
• I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• What did the mummy do for the talent show? She wrapped.
• What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.
• Without geometry, life is pointless.
• Someone just stole my Thesaurus! I’m at a loss for words.–Brennan

Do you have a pun to share? Reply in the “Comment” section.

Ex: From Peter, “We’re getting so many suggestions for headlines, kinda like a ‘title wave.'”

Editor: Brennan Nick

*Punoftheday.com referenced.