If Horror-Film Characters Were Rational

By Brennan Nick

 

“Hey, Joe! Do you want to go check out that abandoned lighthouse?”

“No, Stan. If you go there you’re just asking to break your leg.”

“Come on, we don’t have to climb to the top, just check out the place.”

“Alright, I’ll get the flashlights”

“We don’t need flashlights, Joe.”

“Yes, we do. It’s already dusk. By the time we get there it’ll be dark.”

“You know what? Scratch the lighthouse idea, let’s go exploring around the closed factory out of town.”

“We still need flashlights.”

“Fine, we’ll bring flashlights”

“Okay, great, but I wasn’t aware that flashlights make you invulnerable from twisted, broken ankles.”

“You’re no fun today, Joe…”

“Look, it’s getting late; I’m gonna go home down the main road that is very well lit and with many people on it.”

“Wow, Mr. Super-Safety Joe going down the well-lit road, where’s your sense of adventure?!”

“Fine then! We can go to the lighthouse tomorrow afternoon.”

“No, you ruined the lighthouse for me and the factory, too. We’ll go to the haunted house on the hill.”

“Ghosts aren’t real…”

“Then we’ll go to the totally normal, but creepy and vacated house on the hill tomorrow NIGHT and then…”

“Woah, Woah, Woah, if we’re going to go tomorrow why would you specifically wait until night?”

“For the sense of adventure! Joe, you just have to see it for yourself to understand what I mean. If we did it during the day, we’d just be going through an old house.”

“We’d be much less likely to hurt ourselves…”

“You really are not any fun today.”

“…”

Editor: Claire Jenkins