A Modest Proposal for Gun Control

–by Gaven “Jonathan Swift” Li, world-class blogger and student of rhetoric in Ms. Clark’s AP English Language and Composition class. Be forewarned: this article contains heavy doses of Satire.

On December 2nd, 2015, a married couple walked into a banquet room in San Bernardino with guns and turned a holiday party into a massacre. Fourteen innocent people were killed in this terrorist attack. We have seen mass shootings like this happen again and again in America: Newtown, Connecticut; Roseburg, Oregon; and, now, San Bernardino, California. This must-solve problem has always been my concern. After years of watching the fascinating Democratic and Republican debates about gun control as well as doing research, I have come up with a perfect plan to deal with this controversial situation and to save the future of the United States of America.
Here’s my suggestion: In order to keep all safe, everyone in the United States must have at least one gun and there should be no gun restriction at all. Age limitation and license requirements should also be eliminated. No matter who you are, a two-year-old baby, or a ninety-year-old lady, you must own a gun. According to one of my friends, who is a huge gangster movie fan and dropped out of school in fourth grade, this is a dangerous world, or a dangerous country–you might get shot anytime, anywhere; therefore, we must have guns to prevent us from getting killed. “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” This Second Amendment of the Constitution is my friend’s favorite quote. When the great Founding Fathers of America wrote the Constitution back in 1789, they must have predicted that weapons would be so powerful and destructive after two hundred and seven years. I’m sure they took into consideration automatic weapons. We live in a much more hostile society now. Although we don’t have any wild animals trying to attack us or any war with Indian tribes, we still need to be aware of, for example, crazy dogs running around on the street biting people or some scary cops carrying weapons on their belts. We need to be armed.
Furthermore, since it is so important to be armed, gun-shooting classes should be added to the United States education system. Children are the future of the country, and they need to learn everything about guns. Pistol assembling should be required for lower school kids to graduate, while 100-yard shooting is significantly necessary for high-school students to get into colleges. We have faith in our teenagers that they are all good citizens and won’t do anything to harm their neighbors or shoot anyone they don’t like.
Now, it’s time to return to my subject. I believe that my proposal will definitely bring a lot of benefits to this country.
Firstly, it would make America an extremely powerful country. Foreigners soon will realize that they can not mess with Americans any more, and foreigners will be scared to death to even step on this land. We no longer need to worry about too many immigrants coming here, which solves the other problem we are facing–immigration.
Secondly, guns protect the safety of Americans. Imagine walking on the street at night and there’s a creepy guy walking behind you; you can just pull out your gun and send him to Jesus. If you are not fast enough to kill him before he shoots you, it’s okay, at least you can die like a hero.
Thirdly, being armed makes everything much easier. There’s no need for police since everyone has weapons to solve his or her problems. Having a religious argument? Pull out your gun! Getting bullied at school? Pull out your gun! Somebody being racist? Pull out your gun! That’s also why gun-handling instruction in education is so important.
Fourthly, arming Americans will create more job opportunities. More bodyguards will be needed when rich CEOs or controversial politicians, Donald Trump for example, show up in public. They’ll need bodyguards to build a solid wall so they won’t get shot easily.
Fifthly, the crime rate is going to decrease after applying this new law. Criminals know that a small pistol can not scare anyone anymore, and they will just give up because it may be too hard for them to get more powerful weapons. American citizenship is so great that I believe they will not do anything with guns just for their own desire. Arm the good people of America with guns.
Sixthly, the sale of guns is good for the American economy. More factories will be built in order to make more guns, and more gun shops will be opened, too. Within a few years, the United States will be selling more guns than Russia!
This is my modest proposal about guns, and hopefully it works. If it doesn’t, well, I can still escape back to my motherland China before it’s too late.